The day was heavy. My mind was troubled trying to lean on my own understanding of how life currently was for me and how it probably would be for my future. The feeling of being tired of everything set in my mind on more recent days. A season of loneliness seemed to always be what was in season for me. Not being able to have my better half with me at the moments I needed.
Each day the weight of the world rested on my shoulders giving me an unrested and unsettled emotional state of mind. Some things I would feel inside I could not share with others because I wanted to just try to sort them out in my own strength. Then I did not want to be judged. Often people can't see from their own perceptions to try and understand what someone else may be going through.
Life was so hard, and I did not understand why I was made to struggle for so long, to experience this constant long suffering even after some other prayers had been answered after a short period of time, I felt like I was in war in my mind and in my life. I did not want to be ungrateful but the weight felt so heavy to carry. Then I would question why did the Lord make one of my biggest dreams come true that I can't even reach right now?
Everything left for me to figure out with one outlet which was to bring my tears and sorrows to the altar of the Holy Spirit where I would read and meditate on the word each day. I in some cases would feel strong and when life happened, I felt overwhelmed and knocked down all over again. Why did I have to keep going through these bad reports from the doctor's, feeling sick every day and feeling misunderstood. I was full of God with a gentleness with others. Always being available to pray over the weak, pouring constantly into others. In my own spirit I did not know how to have a every day praise when I was facing an horrible storm my self. Why couldn't I pray for myself when I was weak and burdened down?
Night came and I knew I had done to much stressing and I laid down and suddenly my heart started to beat fast after getting up, the rate got faster and I panicked. Trying to calm down by breathing my heart rate reach 162 beats per minute and all I was doing was sitting on my bed. My mom instructed me to call 9-1-1. I did and she told me she’d be on her way to be with the kids. My voice was quivering while talking to the 9-1-1 agent. She was gentle and polite. I told her how I was feeling. I was unsure what my heart or body was going to do. I was scared thinking was this my end date? What was happening. The EMT arrived my heart rate by then was coming down and I was feeling a little better. My mom got here and the ambulance providers took me to the hospital. When I was on the stretcher I was in a state of shock that I was in this position. Never in life had I experienced anything like this before by being carried away in the ambulance.
My mom and my kids were worried. Yet they tried to stay calm for me. I started to remember who God was and how I needed to show up for myself in what I’ve been taught by my daily reading and meditation on the word of God. I teach the word to the world with my ministry. How can I crumble behind my own doors. I took a deep breath while my body was being ran through a CT scan machine something came over me that gave me a praise and prayer to the Holy Spirit. I thought to myself wait a minute I was created for such a time as this. Remembering that just a few days prior to this while praying I said to the holy spirit while crying with my hands up that he can use me. I said I am open Lord. I remembered his sacrifice and what all he had to endure and I knew my troubles or pain could never amount to what Jesus went through on that cross.
At times would be scared to ask him to search my heart. I was afraid of what test he may bring to me. Was I strong enough to walk out of my flesh into the spirit of who he’s set forth inside of me to do? So many things I was thinking. Once things started to settle from my own understandings I began to remember the Lord has been building me up for this day. Did I fail at the test? Was he disappointed in me that I was not walking in the walk that I spread his gospel for others to do? By the GRACE and MERCY of God I was fine. I left the hospital with no bad reports on my heart.
On the ride home the Lord said "I will sustain you" The weight of the world had been really weighing on me. When his came to me I felt comfort. The day all this happened I was in a day of intense stress on wondering how I am going to pay the bills, the kids are not obeying, I'm just really struggling and breaking down piece by piece with no PEACE of mind.. So many things going on. Zero money in the bank. Yet the enemy kept reminding me of my troubles but the Lord's words to me often was "Zaundra, I will carry you" Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you" Isaiah 46:4
Whew, glory to God! I understood what he was doing. He was letting me know that I had to stand up and remember where he has brought me from time after time. He has never failed me. He has always protected me. He wanted me to walk in his peace with faith, believing that he will make my path straight. He reminded me that I needed to put into practice what I have been learning by knowing his word. It was my time to not just spread the gospel but walk in it for myself. Not falling apart every time something unforeseen happened, but to trust the things he is allowing to happen because it's for his glory. I walked out of the hospital living; I am typing right now because he sustained me. There was a test in the Rhythm.
The message I want to give is that we will have our hard days. Days where we are barely standing up and making it through. It is the Holy Spirit that will give us a gentle nudge to remember his words and works. Remember what he is capable of doing. Lean on his understanding and not our own. He reminded me that I can walk in full boldness and confidence that he knows exactly what I need. He will make away for me. I may not see it but he will be here to minister to me by giving me his promise reminders, his ability to swift me into a Amos 9:13 season. I am declaring and decreeing that right now in the mighty name of Jesus. To God be all the glory. He gets all the praise in easy and hard seasons.
I love you,
Zaundra-
“Yes indeed, it won’t be long now.” God’s Decree. “Things are going to happen so fast your head will swim, one thing fast on the heels of the other. You won’t be able to keep up. Everything will be happening at once—and everywhere you look, blessings! Amos 9:13 (Message Bible)
Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you.
Isaiah 46:4
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
Matthew 11:28-30
If you would like to sow a seed feel free to send a blessing.
コメント